Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Douche of the Day: NBC & Jay Leno

I write this blog today as I sit in my robe, doped up on Sudafed and DayQuil, with the voice of Darth Vader. I have the flu or a cold or what the fuck ever. Hence the lack of updates this week.

I wanted to make the douche of the day just Jay Leno, but I realized there is a bigger douche behind Jay Leno. You cannot mention one without the other in this context.

Let's run down what NBC has done to Conan. First mistake was giving Jay Leno his own show (AFTER he retired, might I add). Jay Leno isn't even funny. Okay so they give Conan the Tonight Show, move his family out to LA, whatever. Jay Leno's show winds up with terrible ratings (huge shocker) and it's this whole trickle-down effect... NBC moved shit around on their schedule to make room for Jay's show, and as a result, all their shows suffered.

I swear to god, NBC is like the fucking Grim Reaper. They have a popular soap opera, Days of Our Lives, and when the economy hit hard, yes it's time to trim the fat... so let's trim some of the lame ass characters they have on there, right? Wrong. NBC takes it upon themselves to cut out John & Marlena, two of the show's highest paid characters.. Yes that makes TOTAL sense. What kind of fuckery is this?!

So anyway, back to Conan. Leno's ratings when down the toilet bowl and what's the logical answer? Put all the shows back where they belong, and shit-can Jay Leno. Is that what they did? NO. Instead, they give the incredibly hilarious Jay Leno back his old TV show, because it did SO WELL before, and give CONAN the shit can! Not only that, but they're paying him around 35 million to STFU... and squeezed his nuts a little tighter by saying, "Oh PS, you aren't allowed to go to any other network until September... and if you do, we will only pay you the difference of what they pay you, up to 35 mil. And oh yeah, you can't use any of the characters and stuff you used on your show from NBC that YOU came up with creatively on you own with your writers... that's our property." NBC really stuck it in Conan good! I wonder if Conan can draw unemployment. He should throw himself down a flight of stairs at work and fill out a workman's comp claim. Twats!

What I want to know is how does Jay Leno have NBC's testicles in a vice like that? Leno should have been out like yesterday's fucking trash. Instead he was given back his old show he RETIRED FROM and the funny ginge Conan is kicked to the curb. NBC is run by a bunch of fucking goons. DOUCHE!

Friday, January 15, 2010

Douche of the Day: Tiger Woods

Tiga, Tiga Woods, ya'll!

I've been fighting the urge to do this one because all anyone does right now is talk about Tiger Woods and I'm about fucking tired of it. However, since every bitch he's ever fucked is crawling out the damn woodwork, imma have to add him on here. (random aside: I think the hero of the year goes to Elin, his soon to be ex-wife (I'm sure), because I heard she went ballistic on his ass with a 9 iron or some shit!)

As all these skanks come crawling out to talk about seksi times with Tiger.. each story is more ridiculous than the next! Pretty common... sex and money... some bitch is up on the news saying Tiger gave her lots of money and hours of sex for Christmas... So thoughtful! Can you return it if you get the clap? Just wondering. He's been around. I guess he hits for both teams and likes to partake in wild orgy parties and shit. What do you expect? He plays golf for a fucking living. Golf is fucking BORING and if I did that shit all day, every day, I might need some spice in my life too. Then again, I might take up baking or maybe some travel, not attend orgy parties. He needs drug tested. I bet he does blow too. People who go to orgy parties always to cocaine.

What I think is funny is the position Tiger is in... He's not losing any of his endorsements. Like he's got the Tiger Woods PGA tour games for all the game systems... he can't lose that shit - who else are they going to put in there? New! For XBox!! Jack Nicholas, Senior PGA Tour 2010!!! Comes with a free box of Icy Hot and a bag of Werther's Original!!! Yeah... no.

And I think because he knows he's got to save face, he's checked in to the classic "sex rehab" that these celebrities check into so we can feel sorry for their adulterous lifestyle. Because it's clearly a "condition". What I want to know is, what happens in sex rehab? Do they cut off your peen and paste pictures of your grandma all over the walls of your room to distract you from your raging hard on? Who knows. I think it's a bunch of bullshit.

Anyway, I'm sick of talking about Tiger Woods. DOUCHE!

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Douche of the Day: Terrorists

During the hiatus, we had the infamous "Christmas Day Crotch Bomber". If you were too hopped up on eggnog and fucking holiday cheer, let me break it down for you. So ol' boy is on the aero-plane, they're coming back from Amsterdam, landing in Detroit. From what I understand, this twat was in the bathroom forever... that's what raised the concern. So from now on, any fat ass that's taking the world's longest shit on the airplane, is going to get Jack Bauer and air marshals after him and they turn the plane around?

And at first I didn't take this shit seriously cos when the reports first came in, they said some fool let off some damn fire crackers on the plane. My logical conclusion is to think it's some high ass motherfucker who's so stoned from his High Times Cannabis Cup that he did in Amsterdam and let off some fucking firecrackers for funsies. Wrong answer.

Anyway the crotch bomber started this whole fucking thing with the TSA now, and it's really the beginning of the end, which is why I say ALL terrorists are the douche of the day. Now the TSA is about to be treating us all like we all have a bomb strapped to our fucking crotches. I know Port Columbus is getting some Superman X-Ray machines that you walk through and not only can they see you naked, but they can also read your fucking thoughts. It's going to take twice as long to travel. These fucking douchelords ruin everything.

You'd think these terrorist would come up with more creative ideas. But then again, joke's on America for being dumb twats too! We let fuckface take over an airplane with a BOX CUTTER. We let some other fuckface onto an airplane with a bomb made out of something stupid like bleach and a garage door opener strapped to his twig and giggs. But seriously. The airplane thing is old dudes. Figure it out. And I'm ready for Osama bin Laden to release his next video. I swear to god that guy is like fucking Tupac. People try to say he's dead then he releases albums!

Here's my next question. What do you assume bin Laden does up in his cave he's hiding in? I mean he's hiding in the caves somewhere in Pakistan or some shit. Ain't shit for MILES. No 7-11, no Red Lobster, no nothin. Does his cohorts send him packages? Like a box with some nobakes and some sudoku puzzles? These are things I think about.

ANYHOO. Terrorist ruin everything. Now you done cut into my travel time. Douchelords.

Hiatus is over!

After a month long doucher hiatus, I am pleased to announce that the Douche Blog is back with a vengeance! I've been working on a few things behind the scenes and playing with some ideas, and be on the look out for some new stuff besides "douche of the day" stuff. I also plan on doing more with the twitter account - so follow @thedoucheblog - tell your friends!

your fearless douche leader