Wednesday, December 30, 2009


Holy fuck I fail at life. Ive been in a pie coma. Updates are coming soon! 2010 is going to be Year of the Douche! I have all sorts of great ideas for the blog to implement! It's going to be amazing!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Friday, December 18, 2009

Vote for the douche of the week!

Short week I know - I figured it's time to vote and then this weekend we'll start new.

So vote and tell your friends!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Douche of the Day: Bill O'Reilly

Well, this can't come as a huge shocker. Bill O'Reilly is one of those twats who is just a constant douche. He doesn't have one redeemable quality about him. So I have no baseline of his level of douche because EVERYTHING he says/does is at an epic level of douche. Nothing is a huge shocker anymore, regardless of how outlandish and ignorant the things he says are. But I was reminded the other day about how I needed to include him, after he done pissed off Ice-T and talked some shit about how his name and his joke of a political party were portrayed in the latest L&O episode. Whatever.

I'm not even concerned about all that, but let's take a journey back to retro-douchedom and explore some of this fucking windbag's finer moments... He has inspired such websides as O'Rielly and Sweet Jesus I Hate Bill O'Reilly, International, oh any my personal favorite, Bill O'Reilly Is A Big Blubbering Vagina (check out the bingo card on there - FUCKING EPIC).

Pretty much Billy boy likes to hit on teh ladiez, especially the youngens (google his sexual harassment suit). He even watched a porno and was telling some broad about it... What a fucking skeevy, pervy old fuck. He's a big conservative windbag who likes to yell a lot, especially when challenged politically. The majority of the things he has to say are archaic and washed-up points of view. Every time he opens his mouth he says something that's fucking racist and/or offensive to some group that doesn't fall under the category of WASP.

All I know is Billy done pissed off the hip-hop community this time so his ass is about to get shanked.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Sous Flay Speaketh: An Expose on Douchebaggery and Asshattery

Okay so we all know Bobby Flay is "the original douche". He was the inspiration to start this blog and any kind of Bflay news I must share, it's my civic duty. So I follow him on twitter, as a lot of us do. It's a running joke that we all abuse Bobby Flay on there because he never reads anything anyone says so we all harass him. I, personally, on numerous occasions have told him he is ugly, I hate him, he probably has sex with Tom Cruise, and that I would like to have his wife. No matter, Bobby don't read that shit anyhow.

Then, two fateful nights ago, Sous Flay tweets "why all the hate? let's chill and drink a mojito" or some fucking shit. Prompting the rest of us to muster a big "W-T-F?" Well we assume it's some sort of trickery and we continue to harass. I ask Bobby very crassly if he knows teh ladiez enjoy his wife and he fucking responds to me. So then this banter goes on and I will be one to admit that my black and rotten heart did melt for just a moment, and momentarily I did feel bad because here's Bobby Flay, the doucher himself up hanging with us twitterati members and trying to be civil.

I found myself at an impasse... here's Bobby being nice and I couldn't even come up with a civil question to ask him. Eventually I did ask him what his favorite beer was, to which he said Sam Smith's Nut Brown Ale which I will say is a damn good beer - I cannot fault the man there. But yes, beginning to feel kind of bad for the mean things we all said... Until he decides to hit on some leatherface (thanks Kris! :) skank from Real Housewives... Hey fuckface, remember you have a wife? Right? You were just talking about her! So here's proof thanks to the wonderful and ever-quick Vannessa...

Okay wow that's awesome Bobby. You totally just did that. So anyway, I guess Bobby must have realized that perhaps he need not be so open about the fact that he's a disgusting womanizer. The guilt ate away ate our least favorite chef and decided to immediately delete it...

Obviously Sous Flay did not watch his Sesame Street because as Bert and Ernie used to fucking say, "one of these things is not like the other!" So my heart has returned to black & rotten and my hatred for the Bflay is still intact and Stephanie March continues to deserve exponentially better. I have a feeling this will not be my last twitter post about the tomfoolery of Bobby Flay on twitter.

Epic Douchebaggery

I'm in the process of editing, I'm finally on break and my life is much less hectic. Some things you will see coming FOR SURE in the next 12 hours:
-an expose on the recent asshattery of Bobby Flay
-a two-pack douche of the day

And coming tomorrow will be voting for our prior douches.

The blog is mildly under construction as I have a lot of good ideas where I'd like this blog to go, I want to do more than just the douche of the day... I think this could be really fucking sweet if I'd get off my lay ass and just do it.

So just an FYI, it's coming! (that's what she said!)

Monday, December 14, 2009

Update very soon!

After a long hiatus, it's time we resume our mission. I will update later today with a douche two-pack and some other douche news!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Douche of the Day: ME

Just like to offer myself up there, for neglecting this fucking blog. I have not forgotten and as soon as my life gets a little less crazy we will drive on in our quest to identify the douches of the world. it's finals week and I leave tomorrow morning for San Diego, but I will have some downtime soon, and we will keep on keepin' on.

I also would like to point out that I will be coming in close contact with one of our previous douches of the day this coming Thursday. I have tickets to Chelsea Lately and Perez Hilton is one of the fucking round table people. Fuck my life. I'm going to try to say something crass and get thrown out. I can't go to the chokey though.

Anyhoo, updates soon.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Douche of the Day: Megan Phelps-Roper and the Westboro Baptist Church

Maybe the Douche Blog won't be so much LOLz today. Seriously, these people COULD BE bigger douches than Bobby Flay, and those of you who know me, you know that would take a lot for me to say. You might remember the news stories where this group of people picket soldiers' funerals, with their signs that say "THANK GOD FOR DEAD SOLDIERS". These are the same people, who instead of getting together at their church for coffee and cookies after their service, get together to make signs that say "BURN IN HELL FAGS".

And while they've been douches all along, I feel it's necessary now, as Megan Phelps-Roper has started a twitter account to spread her looney hatred and picket schedules into Teh Interwebz. Yesterday was the world AIDS day, and Twitter turned every tweet red if you added the hashtag #red at the end of each tweet. This fucking bitch goes as far to tweet yesterday "Thank God for AIDS" and something about how it punishes sinners or some shit. And go figure just as I try to link it this morning, she's deleted it. I tweet her on a regular basis, often saying "fuck you, you're a twat, yada yada". It's my personal mission to harass her so much that she deletes her twitter account. I would LOVE to be responsible for that.

This bitch and her church have such a hatred for the gays that mostly all things bad are blamed on the gays. My opinion is that there is a special place in hell for those fuckfaces, and Megan Phelps, who acts as their mouthpiece, well she will have her lips permanently attached to the vag of the devil (because the devil is clearly a woman... and a LESBIAN! and a veteran probably!!!) to perform cunnilingus for the remainder of eternity. Anytime Megan is ready to come out of the closet, we'll be ready for her.

Let me tell you a funny story I've had with the congregation cock suckers of that so-called church. We'd just gotten back from our deployment in Afghanistan, and were back at Ft. Bragg. These clowns were picketing outside the base, in Fayetteville. I was on lunch with some friends, and saw these assholes, and got PISSED. My friend had n orange in his car, left over from breakfast that morning. I made him stop and I rolled down the window and chucked that fucking orange and it drilled some bitch in the damn face. HAHA.

So fuck you, Megan and your fucking church. Thanks for using Jesus as an excuse to be a bigoted asshole. I bet Jesus thinks you all are a bunch of fucks who need to evolve.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Douche of the Day: Geriatric Drivers

I'm positive there is nothing I hate more (besides Republicans) than geriatric drivers. Maybe it's because I have road rage so bad that it might kill me one day, but when I get behind an old person in traffic, I have the urge to floor it and smash into the back of their car. I swear to god if I did not have insurance, I'd do it!

The worst day to encounter these douches is on Sunday mornings/afternoons. They just mosey down the fucking interstate like they don't have nowhere to be. While the rest of us civilized people are either driving home from someone's house we crashed at after a night of boozing, or on our way to get some form of fast food to cure a hangover. Out of my way, Grandma Fuckface! Just because you're not in a hurry to drive (or die) doesn't mean the rest of us have to fucking suffer.

I truly believe that after like age 55 you should be required to take a driver's test. It's a pass/fail basis and if you fail it once, you're shit out of luck for driving again. You better hope they let your ass drive in heaven (or hell, wherever you go), because you ain't driving here. And if you pass you are retested until you fail. Sorry gramps, take the fucking bus to Walmart for your Preparation H and your bag of Werther's Original.

I also love how these fucks always have the same car. You know IMMEDIATELY if you are in the vicinity of a geriatric driver (as if them going 45 in a 70 on the interstate wasn't a big enough red flag) because they are driving some sort of vehicle that has a length comparable to a boat or motorhome. Lincoln Towncar. The Crown Victoria. Oldsmobiles. Buicks. You get the point. You'd think with Ethyl's fucking glaucoma she wouldn't be able to navigate that som'bitch.


Sunday, November 29, 2009

Douche of the Day: Dick Cheney

You all knew this shit was coming. This motherfucker has more lives than a damn cat, first off. He's on like his fifteenth heart-attack since age eleven, right? But in all fairness, if I were Dick Cheney's heart, I'd fucking peace out as much as possible too. If you wonder why that is, google Dick Cheney's quotes concerning the use of torture. But back to bad hearts... You saw him roll up (literately) to the Inauguration this past January in a wheel chair and you KNOW America collectively thought "damn get this asshat on the donor list!" But alas, he just had a mishap moving boxes. Plus I can think of millions of more deserving recipients to a new heart. I think it's in his genetic makeup to fucking reject a heart. It makes sense. If you wonder why, again, google his quotes on the use of torture.

There's a lot to say about him and I'll try to stick to the finer, funnier points. Mostly when we think of douche + Dick Cheney, outside his policies, we think of that one time he was drinking and hunting with his buddies, and aimed at a bird and shot his friend. (Did you forget the difference between up and down?) Oh and when he told his colleague on the Senate floor to go fuck himself. Haha nice job, fuckface.

But to bring it to real Serious Sally about Dick Cheney for a moment, let's look at his service record... oh, wait, he applied for a deferment to get out of going to 'Nam FIVE times? Why? Oh because he "had other priorities in the '60s than military service"? Yet he's so ready to send all our brave men and women to the Middle East? Yeah I think we all have other priorities other than Bush & Dick's silliness in the sandbox, but I don't think I could ever apply for a deferment if I wanted to. Fuckface.

So you're the Douche of the Day, Dick. Hope you're enjoying your time at home and eating 12 pounds of bacon and hunting daily.

Douche of the Week: Sarah Palin

Yeah I'm a day late and a dollar short posting the Douche of the Week. Let's just say I went "Rogue". Heh. Anyway a quick admin note about this week's douche of the week. This Tuesday we will not vote since there were a lack of updates because of the holiday/because I am worthless. Next Tuesday we will be voting. The end. And without further ado...

Congrats Sarah Palin on being Douche of the Week. Go shoot a moose in your backyard/Russia and go fuck yourself.

Douche of the Day: Snuggie Haters

As I blog this entry, I am laying on my couch, warm as a motherfucker in my god damn Snuggie. I am inspired by this so much that I would like to call out today's douche as the assholes who hate on the fucking Snuggie. You know who you are! Here's my theory. There are two types of people in this world. Those who embrace (literately) the glory that is the Snuggie, and those who secretly desire a Snuggie but live their lives in denial and fear of judgment. There is no need to feel shame of such a useful and fabulous product. Yes, the commercials are tacky, but fuck off. It's $20 for a fleece Technicolor Dreamcoat made by Jesus Himself. You can even have seksi times in the Snuggie!

You twats fucking know you lay on your lonely couches under your blanket, as the winter approaches, and you reach for the remote on the coffee table, (and you know we're all too motherfucking poor to heat the house all the time in the god damn recession), so you reach for that fucking remote and BAM! The freeze! Like Jack Frost blew his load all over your damn arms! You know it happens to you!!!! Well it doesn't happen to me. The rest of you all are douches and haters!!! Get a fucking Snuggie and STFU.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Douche of the Day Hiatus

Yeah yeah I have to update with like 15 douches plus crown the douche of the week, but it's the holidays and I'm too busy passed out on the couch in my Snuggie. Rest assured I have not forgotten about our douches, and I will resume my quest in douche-naming by the end of the weekend.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Doucheday Tuesday

Happy Doucheday Tuesday everybody! It's a short work week this week, so just remember you won't have to see the turds you work with for 5 straight days.

It's time to vote for this week's Douche of the Week! Check out the poll on the right hand side and vote away! Voting closes Wednesday afternoon!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Follow Us On Twitter!

Just opened up a Twitter account for the blog - I'll be posting as soon as I update the blog, reminders to vote for Douche of the Week, and any late-breaking douche news! If you have a Twitter account, follow the blog there!

Douche of the Day: Sandra Herold

While you might not know this douche by name, you do know her story. You all remember about that bitch who had the 200lb chimpanzee, Travis, who mauled her fucking friend and ate part of her face off, so bad the friend was up on Oprah looking like Two Face from "The Dark Knight" with shit oozing on national television. Yeah. You know who I mean.

A few things I'd like to know. 1. How do you acquire a fucking chimpanzee? I know they don't have them bitches at PetSmart. And it was like 20 years old so it isn't like she ordered him on the internet! So WTF! Did a zoo go out of business? Did someone put an ad in the paper? The fucking thing had to be on anti-anxiety meds and this was bnot the first incident! HELLOOOOOOOOO?! What is going through your head???

Regardless, Travis was like a son to Sandra. I know if my son ate the face off one of my friends and damaged a police cruiser, it might be time to call the social worker. Primates in captivity are never the answer, my friends.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Douche of the Day: Kevin Federline

What a fucking skank. Kevin Federline is your stereotypical white trash idiot, married to some broad with kids and then Britney comes along and he sees "dolla dolla bills, ya'll", and drops ol' girl like a bad habit to get wit Britney. Kids? What kids? I'll make new ones! Yes, Britney and Kevin, true lurrrrrrve. Bitch, please.

His biggest claim to fame was his rap album (I can barely type these words without smirking) that went right down the toilet bowl (complete shocker, I know)... it was reported as one of the worst received albums in recent music history. So that's pretty good. He did some PR for his rap album at WWE matches... I don't even think I have a witty or snarky comment to say about that to be honest. Nothing says white trash hip-hop like professional wrestling.

It was by sheer opportunity that he got custody of those poor boys. If Britney hadn't have gone off the deep end, K-Fed would be living on someone's couch, sitting in his sweatpants, 400lbs, stoned, and eating Funyons all fucking day. He's really a stellar example of a douche. How is he even relevant? Shows up to some club in Las Vegas for his fucking birthday party and hardly anyone showed up! What a fucking doucher.

Douche of the Day: Michael Lohan

I think the Lohans in general are all douches, to be honest. There are no words for Dina, Ali looks 14 going on 45, and Lindsay is a fucking hot mess as always. And I think they have a brother too, he probably is a douche and does drugs too. Who knows. But the biggest douche of that talentless, famewhoring family is Michael Lohan, by FAR.

Michael Lohan is, of course, trying to gain his footing back as father of the century after his ass had been in the pen three separate times. Nothing says World's Best Dad like a convicted felon who violates probation and restraining orders.

To be honest, he's a little too fatal attraction on his kids for my taste. I think this has to do with him wanting to mooch off his daughter's dead end career, like everyone else in their family. Michael is a famewhore who cannot stop himself. I love how he gets up on the TV and does these interviews like he and Lindsay just got off the phone. Meanwhile Lindsay is straight up "uh he needs help". Not that Lindsay is a stellar judge of character, but come on now. She didn't have a snowball's chance in hell with him as a farther.

But as much as she tells him to go fuck off publicly he's right back in her business. Get a clue, fucker. His ass will do anything to get on TV. He has no shame up on there saying Lindsay is on drugs, her girlfriend has taken over her life, blah blah blah. And that whole scandal about his alleged illegitimate child? He acted humiliated but you and I both know he got off hourly as US Weekly, Ok Magazine, and all the other tabloids were calling his dumb ass.


Douche of the Day: Slow Mall Walkers

In honor of Black Friday coming up, I thought this would be an appropriate douche to crown. Nothing makes you want to order online like slow people acting a fool in the fucking mall.

I don't know about you, but I move with a fucking purpose in the mall. I know where I need to go and what I want. And even if I'm just there to try to spend money, I don't mosey around like Grandma Ethel at her retirement party. I fucking hate these people with the fire of a thousand suns. They will walk slowly like they have all fucking day. My favorite are the assholes who STOP WALKING COMPLETELY in the middle of the mall to gawk at some hideous item they covet. Shit or get off the pot, you fucking chotch.

Slow mall walkers never shop alone. They are related to other slow mall walkers and hang out with slow mall walkers exclusively. It's an incestuous group, all of whom I want to punch in the neck every time I see them. I imagine they would not be very good at Supermarket Sweep. I have a really short fuse for slow people, and slow people in the mall is just god-awful. The worst type of slow mall walker is the bitch who has the stroller. You know you've seen her. She has the kid with the extra large head in the stroller, he's hopped up on some sort of sugar, probably a combination of some sort of sticky sucker and Mountain Dew, because this bitch wants to doddle in the mall, so gave her kid sugar so he'd STFU... She act's like she's the boss of the mall with her stroller, darting in front of you, stopping completely, and pissing us all off. But she's wrong. She's not the boss. Tony Danza's the boss, bitch!

Watch out for these people on Friday. Punch one in the head in the spirit of the holidays.

Douche of the Week: Bobby Flay

It's time to crown last week's douche! After an outstanding 51 votes (I didn't know 51 people read this fucking blog! Nice job everyone!), Mr. Bobby Flay takes the crown with a whopping 49% of the votes.

Congrats, Bobby. Go fuck yourself.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Douche of the Day Hiatus

Yeah I'm the douche of the year because I need to need to update with a three-pack douche and crown this week's douche of the week, Mr. Bobby Flay, the original douche. But I got things happening, so you can fucking suck it. By the end of this weekend, however, you will be chock full of douche and your black and rotten hearts will be warm and fuzzy.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Douche of the Day: Sarah Palin

In honor of Seksi Sarah Palin's fiction novel/autobiography coming out yesterday, I thought it would be the perfect time to give her the credit she deserves here on this blog. Mayjah DOUCHE. This is such a huge douche that I don't even know where to begin. Let's see, you all know Seksi Sarah as Alaska's former governor and John McCain's running mate during the 2008 presidential election. She was the Republican Party's sacrificial lamb and became the laughingstock of America by the time Election Day rolled around.

Examining her credentials, we see she's definitely qualified to run for public office. She transferred schools four times before she landed her BA in journalism, and oh yeah she won Miss Congeniality in the Miss Alaska pageant. As governor, she was a total hit with the lovers of the environment by signing a bill to allow people to hunt wolves, as to increase the moose and caribou populations for OTHERS to hunt. And she was a big supporter of drilling for oil in Alaska - DRILL BABY, DRILL. No matter that she had no problem depleting the natural resources of her state. But I digress.

She pissed off a lot of folks in the mass media because they demanded to see birth certificates and medical records for her alleged youngest son Trig, to clear up the rumors that her daughter Bristol was actually the mother, but couldn't pony it up. Didn't help her case too much. And then the issues of campaign spending and shopping sprees for the campaign prompted a McCain aide describe it as, "Wasilla hillbillies looting Neiman Marcus from coast to coast." LMFAO.

Her accidental humor and wit (much like that of George W. Bush) really helped her public image. There was the hockey mom/lipstck on a pig joke that no one really got, there were her fucking retarded jokes/comments during debates that a) made her look like the moron she is and b) made it WAY too easy for Tina Fey to go on SNL and make us all piss ourselves. Some of my favorite quotes from Seksi Sarah include "Only dead fish go with the flow." (Said when she resigned as governor). And the infamous "As Putin rears his head and comes into the air space of the United States of America, where– where do they go? It's Alaska. It's just right over the border." which she said in an interview when asked how living in Alaska gave her foreign policy experience. For more idiocy, check this out. These assclown antics prompted many quotes about her that were fucking classic.

A douche? You betcha!!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Doucheday Tuesday

Look on the right side and vote for your favorite douche from the past week! Every Tuesday will be a Douche Day Tuesday, and you vote and I will announce the winner winner chicken dinner on Thursday!

Twat Waffle

Sometimes douche just doesn't quite encompass what a person actually is, and for that I have discovered the term "twat waffle", courtesy of my friend Jess, who heard it from her friend Kelli. Below is a little illustration I have put together on Photoshop, for our visual learners.

Douche of the Day: Perez Hilton

I am able to say this confidently as I was able to quit this douche's blog cold turkey, after a three year addiction. You know we've all been there... You read it but deep down want to punch him in the fucking neck anytime he posts something under "Personally Perez" because while he wonders why some celebs are relevant, I wonder why HE is relevant. And can someone please explain to me what the fuck he wears?

I love that MTV Cribs did a blurb on him, they come to his damn apartment which is the same square footage as my apartment which is $460 a month in rent, and I know I'm not going to be on MTV Cribs any time soon. I mean... what the hell? He's stuck up Lady Gaga's ass, acting like he was some talent scout that discovered her, and all he does for a living is draw splooge on people's faces and coke coming out of people's noses. Sometimes I hate America for this very reason.

The most twatty thing Perez did was this summer when Will.I.Am punched him straight in the snoot, and Perez TWEETS it, telling his followers in Canada to call 911! Hello, you're tweeting on the fucking phone, please call 911 yourself you fucking douche! And it all started because Perez, someone who was allegedly some voice for the gay community, chose to call him a choice gay slur. And when Perez promised to donate all money won in his lawsuit against Will.I.Am to the Matthew Shepard Foundation, they politely declined, saying that they could not accept the money because it was won on the account of him using a gay slur. That had to be fucking humiliating.

Perez is not only a douche, he's a fucking twat. The end.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Douche of the Day: Airgun Rambo from Arizona

There's a tear in the beer of this Arizona State University student. Apparently this guy had some sort of personal vendetta against a check cashing place and started blowing it away with an air rifle. Honey, did you bounce a check? We're in a recession, it's okay, we understand. No need to start firing your air at the building so the windows fucking shatter!

The best part of this story is that the fucking po po show up, ready for a fucking showdown with a crazed gunman, only to find out this clown is packin' air. Apparently an air rifle looks like a real rifle, but the fuzz had to put their guns away after they realized Billy Bad Ass was not so bad ass. Hand the boy his NRA membership!

And really only a douche who uses an air gun would cry like a little bitch in his mugshots. Those are fucking classic. I hope he orders those in 5x7's and wallets, I'm sure his parents would be proud. So anyway, ol' boy does $15,000 in damages and receives an aggravated assault and felony criminal damage charges. Something tells me he might have to look for a new check cashing place to pay his fine.


Friday, November 13, 2009

Douche of the Day: Speidi

It's a very special day in doucheland, for today you get a special two-pack douche. Today's douche of the day is none other than Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt (aka Speidi). I struggle to understand why these two assholes are even relevant. Heidi looks like the illegitimate child of Mr. Ed and Anna Nicole Smith and Spencer looks like Teen Wolf with his ugly bearded face. So they were on The Hills, which is arguably the worst television show in the history of mankind. I guess this makes them relevant? Whatever. If I have to see another "candid" picture of them, I might stab myself. Their lips are permanently attached to the dicks of the paparazzi because they also know they are not relevant.

So please tell me you saw them on "I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here" when Speidi had the Meldown of all Meldowns because they just couldn't cut the mustard in fucking Costa Rica. Are you kidding me? I would like to go there on vacation! They acted like someone dropped them in the middle of fucking Compton at 2am. And then they go up on The View like they're survivors of some big tragedy. Cry me a fucking river and float down it in your douche canoe. Youtube the interview. I'd post it but it annoys me to think about it.

What annoys me the most about these two douches is how they behave in such a way and then are all up into church like they are so hol, and then Heidi goes and poses on the cover of Playboy. Titties and Kitty 4 Jesus, definitely. Just like Miss Carrie Prejean. Oh wait, Heidi didn't show her kitty on Playboy, so Jesus must approve. And the John McCain/Sarah Palin worshiping during the election last year was almost too much... I know those sons of bitches don't even know what any of the issues even mean... Can you even spell recession?


Thursday, November 12, 2009

Douche of the Day: Kanye West

Today's douche is the one I'd like to call Douchus Interruptus... Or perhaps the "Imma Let You Finish" douche. We're all familiar with Kanye for all the following things: 1.) Dating that bald bitch. 2.) TYPING IN ALL CAPS OMGWTFLOL!!!!! 3.) Interrupting poor little Taylor Swift at the VMAs to say that Beyonce was better (random aside: did you see when they cut to Beyonce's face? it was like "I don't know this asshole, what the fuck" haha) 4.) Acting a fool in 2005 during hurricane Katrina ("George Bush doesn't care about black people", anyone? I mean Dubya is a douche too but we'll discuss that another day.............) 5.) Having the ego the size of the universe by posing on the cover of Rolling Stone ala Jesus, donning a crown of thorns (I mean, really?)

Truly we could go on all day. But I prefer to let the douchebaggery speak for itself. Also for some funnies, try the Kanye West Apology Generator.

Imma let you finish Kanye, but you're the biggest douche there ever was.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Douche of the Day Hiatus

We will have the Douche of the Day here very soon, until then Happy Veterans Day! Hug a soldier and punch a douche from the Westboro Baptist Church who protest at soldier's funerals. (Google it and punch away).

Monday, November 9, 2009

Douche of the Day: Tom Cruise

Today's huge douche is none other than Tom Cruise. You've probably seen him doing gay bar tricks in "Cocktail", or being sweet with Goose in "Top Gun". You've seen him jump over a couch on Oprah, and you've seen his loonie meltdown with Matt Lauer over some shit with Brooke Shields that was none of his fucking business. Yes, Tom Cruise, we've met.

Tom Cruise is a special kind of douche I like to call a douche-a-loonie. His very public ass-clown antics concerning Scientology has turned him into the laughing stock of Hollywood. Speaking of laughs involving Tom Cruise, remember back in the day on the Rosie O'Donnell show when she was "in love" with Tom Cruise? Oh the irony. ANYWAY. Now word on the street is he's handing out the Scientology Smackdown to the naughty followers. This prompts the age-old joke, "What do you tell a naughty Scientologist with two black eyes?........... Nothing!! Tom Cruise done told their ass TWICE!"

But I digress. This douche-a-loonie needs a one-way ticket to the fucking cracker factory. Lock him up and throw away the key. Screw Tibet! Free Katie and Suri!

Douche of the Day: Bobby Flay

I like to consider Bobby Flay "The Original Douche" and my inspiration for this blog. You have probably seen Bobby on The Food Network with his many shows and projects he has going on. He is a douche. Why is Bobby Flay a douche, you might ask yourself? Well, firstly, have you seen his face? He looks like the troll that lived under the bridge. Secondly, word on the street is that he's a womanizing toolbag, which is truly unfortunate, as his wife is the smoking hot and amazing actress, Stephanie March. In fact, I know someone who knows someone who punched Bobby in the face in Orlando.

No one wants to grill with you Bobby. You're not only a douche, you're the ORIGINAL douche.

Numero Uno

Hello, and welcome to the Douche Blog. This is the blog where I identify the douches of the world and explain their level of douchebaggery.

Each day, a new douche will be selected. Then I will post a poll and I will announce the douche of the week. Then at the end of the month, I will tally up the 4 douches of the week for that month and we will vote on a douche of the month!

If this isn't an epic failure and makes it past a month, maybe we can do a douche of the year!

This is going to be fucking sweet, tell all your friends!