Saturday, November 21, 2009

Douche of the Day: Slow Mall Walkers

In honor of Black Friday coming up, I thought this would be an appropriate douche to crown. Nothing makes you want to order online like slow people acting a fool in the fucking mall.

I don't know about you, but I move with a fucking purpose in the mall. I know where I need to go and what I want. And even if I'm just there to try to spend money, I don't mosey around like Grandma Ethel at her retirement party. I fucking hate these people with the fire of a thousand suns. They will walk slowly like they have all fucking day. My favorite are the assholes who STOP WALKING COMPLETELY in the middle of the mall to gawk at some hideous item they covet. Shit or get off the pot, you fucking chotch.

Slow mall walkers never shop alone. They are related to other slow mall walkers and hang out with slow mall walkers exclusively. It's an incestuous group, all of whom I want to punch in the neck every time I see them. I imagine they would not be very good at Supermarket Sweep. I have a really short fuse for slow people, and slow people in the mall is just god-awful. The worst type of slow mall walker is the bitch who has the stroller. You know you've seen her. She has the kid with the extra large head in the stroller, he's hopped up on some sort of sugar, probably a combination of some sort of sticky sucker and Mountain Dew, because this bitch wants to doddle in the mall, so gave her kid sugar so he'd STFU... She act's like she's the boss of the mall with her stroller, darting in front of you, stopping completely, and pissing us all off. But she's wrong. She's not the boss. Tony Danza's the boss, bitch!

Watch out for these people on Friday. Punch one in the head in the spirit of the holidays.


  1. OMG, I am laughing so hard at this one!! Did errands with a friend today and at every turn we were surrounded by slow people. It was so annoying!! But yes the people at the mall who just all of a sudden stop in the middle of the walkway to look or talk or pick their nose, yeah, those people need to be tranquilized, scooped up and dropped off on a deserted island, far, far away from people they can annoy.

  2. Dude. This is BY FAR your best yet. The supermaket sweep comment almost made me piss myself.